The thing with parents is that they always want what is best for you so they take away all the fun and make you focus on school, well in my case that's the case. I get no free time whatsoever. It's always do your homework! If it wasn't for them I wouldn't be at Chinquapin they kind of forced me. And at 12 years old, I didn't really have much of a choice. My elementary year were full of all A's and I remember my 4th grade year I got my first B and 87 and I cried because I thought I was going to get in trouble. My parents always said B's would equal serious trouble usually I'd get a spanking but since I had never gotten a B before I didn't know what to expect. So to get at my point: what motivated me was making my parent happy. Actually it was the fear that I would get in trouble if I didn't meet their all A's requirements.
Then I came to Chinquapin doing the exact same thing. I got good grade for them not for myself. And now I question myself why not? Why wasn't I doing it for myself? Why was it always about satisfying my parents and not doing what genuinely made me happy? I think my fear of what they were capable of doing to me is the main reason that I always did my work and got good grades. I'm not saying that I didn't want to get good grades but I wished that I would have done it for myself rather than my parents.
Acquiring internal and external confidence are totally different. Believing in yourself is hard but having people believe in you and motivate you is hard too. Which one is harder? I believe that one is always harder on oneself than others are on that person. So finding it in one to motivate oneself is hard because we always find the flaws in our self not the goods.
With myself I always say, "Why didn't I do that?" After I've done something wrong rather than saying, "C'mon Angelica I know you can do it." It's more getting mad at myself after I haven't do it. I don't really have internal motivation. I always do things to please others and that' one thing that I really hate about myself. I need to learn to be a little selfish, but not too much.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I honestly don’t know how you could live your life for someone else’s standards Angelica. It sounds miserable to me. I of course my parents are in some respect the same way. My mother wants me to a doctor because they get paid well, but I’m not going to be. My parents also want me to stay in the state for college, but ultimately if I get the chance to leave I’m leaving with or without their approval if necessary. What you need is autonomy and what better time to get it than senior year in high school? In about a year you’re going to officially become an adult, and there’s also the upcoming decision of universities, majors, and career choices. You’re the only person that can make those decisions. Your parents certainly can’t make them for you. So I think that in this upcoming year, whether it’s intentional or accidental you’ll gain the autonomy that you’ve wanted for years.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I could have said it better than Otilio. As kids our autonomy is limited due to the fact that we are chained to our parents decisions. I don't think you should feel incredibly bad or alone in this since there are many like you. I never had to do well in school because my parents required it. I did it because ever since I learned english and people(especially my family here and in honduras) figured out I was smart, they began praising me. That praise sounded to me like they have hope in that I will be successful and help them out with money so they don't want to get on my bad side by reprimanding a B. They simply want me to keep studying and get a career. I have always had the presure of not wanting to let them down but at times I feet like the praise is fake so I get confused. Point is we can't live for other people because we don't know if they simply do care or if they just want us to be what they weren't to feel like they raised a good child or maybe even because they want to use you. Its senior year and you are almost 18, become your own person but still maintain respect for your parents.
ReplyDelete