The thing with parents is that they always want what is best for you so they take away all the fun and make you focus on school, well in my case that's the case. I get no free time whatsoever. It's always do your homework! If it wasn't for them I wouldn't be at Chinquapin they kind of forced me. And at 12 years old, I didn't really have much of a choice. My elementary year were full of all A's and I remember my 4th grade year I got my first B and 87 and I cried because I thought I was going to get in trouble. My parents always said B's would equal serious trouble usually I'd get a spanking but since I had never gotten a B before I didn't know what to expect. So to get at my point: what motivated me was making my parent happy. Actually it was the fear that I would get in trouble if I didn't meet their all A's requirements.
Then I came to Chinquapin doing the exact same thing. I got good grade for them not for myself. And now I question myself why not? Why wasn't I doing it for myself? Why was it always about satisfying my parents and not doing what genuinely made me happy? I think my fear of what they were capable of doing to me is the main reason that I always did my work and got good grades. I'm not saying that I didn't want to get good grades but I wished that I would have done it for myself rather than my parents.
Acquiring internal and external confidence are totally different. Believing in yourself is hard but having people believe in you and motivate you is hard too. Which one is harder? I believe that one is always harder on oneself than others are on that person. So finding it in one to motivate oneself is hard because we always find the flaws in our self not the goods.
With myself I always say, "Why didn't I do that?" After I've done something wrong rather than saying, "C'mon Angelica I know you can do it." It's more getting mad at myself after I haven't do it. I don't really have internal motivation. I always do things to please others and that' one thing that I really hate about myself. I need to learn to be a little selfish, but not too much.